July 25th 2010

Been a while since I have written. I am feeling better, which never means I feel like a healthy person. It means I am not terrified I am going to die of a stroke tonight or some other side effect ignored and undiagnosed.

I feel better also because my attitude is better. I found a way to find Jesus in my day. I am miserable when He seems unreachable. I heard on a retreat many years ago that the primary way God speaks to us is in our vocation. Mine being marriage (or mahwwage as in the Princess Bride, favorite movie) I decided to look upon my husband as if Jesus was trying to communicate to me through him. The first time I tried this I, being the spiritual guru of the family :) (not), thought it would be odd for God to speak through my hubby. Let me assure you...it was as if he unconsciously realized I was listening to him and he spoke to me. Sometimes he'd ask me, puzzled, why I was gossiping. Or he would demonstrate compassion for someone I was complaining about. Lately I feel love from coming from him, safety, tenderness. I mean I know he loves me, but when I consciously look for God and listen to him it is different. I feel protected in love. My conscious attitude of listening and seeing his divine self seems to open me to hearing God's love. I find myself thanking God often during the day for him and my life.

I watched the movie Bernadette (of Lourdes fame) last night with hubby. The kids were not interested. We were mesmerized by this simple 1940's movie in black and white. It was interesting to see the same politics, selfish motives within and without the church against Gods work. Same as today. Poor Bernadette was troubled by no one ever believing her..even on her death bed they asked her to confirm yet again did she see what she said she saw. She suffered terrible pain but with her eyes on heaven her awareness was of something bigger than her own pain.

My daughter went to Lourdes last year, twice. And Medjugorie. She brought my typed up list of petitions. Opportunist that I am, I sent her prepared. She met with one of the visionaries at Medjugorie, whose charism was healing. When asked for petitions the crowd scrambled to write down on scraps of paper and my baby whipped out my typed up list! One of my prayers asked for a holy priest to come to my parish. It was during that time that a new priest was assigned to us. I am happy. But it puzzled me that I know he would not be appreciated as he is if we had not suffered spiritual starvation beforehand. Are we so thickheaded and stupid that suffering is the only way we will be open to Our Lord, and the gifts of others?

So many people have prayed for me. It is humbling. What is it I can give? I owe a debt of love to many, that I will never be able to fully repay. It encourages me to pray, as there were certain times when I suddenly felt lifted up and knew someone had prayed for me. There had been nothing I had done to effect any change. So I know when I pray for others, even in those 'is anyone listening out there' times, grace moves. I offer up my struggle, and the unwanted changes in my life for all who struggle. Especially those who have no one to pray for them. It makes my burden lighter. Then, of course, the Catholic guilt arises and I wonder if my offering is of any use since it makes me feel better. :)

More people care about you than you can know.

JULY 7TH, 2010

8:01PM

Bloated. Spent the entire morning to see another total A-hole doctor. Without examining me he said there is nothing wrong. He did not even bother to say You LOOK GOOD! He was covering for me regular doc. fever, sweats, killer headaches, blood pressure usually 120/80 now 175/100 (it's been up to 150/90 from one drug but never this high), excruciating bone pain, constant infections, sleeping 6+ hours during the day (I am not depressed), loss of appetite, tightness when I breathe, bowel problems...all new and increasing symptoms. I do think the bone pain is left over from the taxol.

But I look great.

I am really pretty okay with enduring suffering, but the problem is I need to find out if this is something to be dealt with or not. After having had doctors tell me for two years I was just overweight and ending up with stage 4 ovarian I never do let a feeling that something is wrong be ignored. And that really pisses some people off.

I told this doctor about the two year thing and said " I know when something is wrong and I will just have to find a doctor who is able to pursue this." Then he offered to do blood work and my cancer count is up. Just 4 points, but it is the first time it has gone in that direction since I started treatment.

Cancer nurses are pretty on the ball. I stopped by the chemo room to see Jana, the nurse who told me yesterday's doctor wanted to see my right away. She asked "Did he even listen with the stethoscope?" which told me this is not the first complaint she has heard. He had not.

I had hoped to make this blog a place of hope rather than a gripe session. My message to you current and potential cancer sufferers: take matters into your own hands...don't let anyone make you feel stupid with your medical complaints...and hopefully you will not find yourself in the stage 4 class. If you do find yourself there here is my advice from my wonderful surgeon: It does not matter if you have a 95% or a 5% chance of recovery. If you are in the losing percentage in either camp you are dead. So...you have ONE job to do...and that is get into the winning camp by every means possible.

My prayer tonight is help me find the truth. Maybe this IS it (the near end) and the good Lord prefers in his mercy for me not to know yet. I remember that Saturday morning years ago, in bed, winter, with the dog, praying Oh Lord let me have more time with my husband and children!!! and immediately the words popped into my head Get UP they are downstairs!!! I knew it was the Lord for I certainly had NOT been thinking THAT! My pitiable thought was I was talking about summers to come!!! I am quite comfortable her in bed with the dog. I did get up. I can tend to isolate.

Cancer has made me think about death more, obviously. How different it is from being a regular healthy person who may die in a car crash with no chance to prepare. It certainly has made me more grateful. I still love that I can breathe. And lay my eyes upon my loved ones. With skin on, I mean. I know I will love them eternally.

My mom had systemic lupus and agonized over spending her late years being a burden to her children and incapacitated, or put away, perhaps. We called it the rash watch///'does it look worse? hmmmm...does it look better?...' Then she had a fender bender in a freak April snowstorm and died three weeks later from a bump on the head. What a wasted bunch of hours spent worrying.

I have a wonderful family,. I married the 'goodest' man I have ever met. he is just a deeply good man. And funny too, to me. (that is funny haha not funny weird) My daughters are beautiful and wonderful in such different ways. We've got a neat dog, too, who hops up on the bed when you don;t feel well or there is thunder. I have to admit, though, I think about the days when the kitchen floor will not be filthy after he comes in from the yard. I bet there are a few things people won't miss about me, too. And that is okay. I've been known to leave a mess now and then.

Get up: they are downstairs, or outside, or a phone call away, or about to meet you in the grocery store, or needing a get well card from you....