JULY 7TH, 2010

8:01PM

Bloated. Spent the entire morning to see another total A-hole doctor. Without examining me he said there is nothing wrong. He did not even bother to say You LOOK GOOD! He was covering for me regular doc. fever, sweats, killer headaches, blood pressure usually 120/80 now 175/100 (it's been up to 150/90 from one drug but never this high), excruciating bone pain, constant infections, sleeping 6+ hours during the day (I am not depressed), loss of appetite, tightness when I breathe, bowel problems...all new and increasing symptoms. I do think the bone pain is left over from the taxol.

But I look great.

I am really pretty okay with enduring suffering, but the problem is I need to find out if this is something to be dealt with or not. After having had doctors tell me for two years I was just overweight and ending up with stage 4 ovarian I never do let a feeling that something is wrong be ignored. And that really pisses some people off.

I told this doctor about the two year thing and said " I know when something is wrong and I will just have to find a doctor who is able to pursue this." Then he offered to do blood work and my cancer count is up. Just 4 points, but it is the first time it has gone in that direction since I started treatment.

Cancer nurses are pretty on the ball. I stopped by the chemo room to see Jana, the nurse who told me yesterday's doctor wanted to see my right away. She asked "Did he even listen with the stethoscope?" which told me this is not the first complaint she has heard. He had not.

I had hoped to make this blog a place of hope rather than a gripe session. My message to you current and potential cancer sufferers: take matters into your own hands...don't let anyone make you feel stupid with your medical complaints...and hopefully you will not find yourself in the stage 4 class. If you do find yourself there here is my advice from my wonderful surgeon: It does not matter if you have a 95% or a 5% chance of recovery. If you are in the losing percentage in either camp you are dead. So...you have ONE job to do...and that is get into the winning camp by every means possible.

My prayer tonight is help me find the truth. Maybe this IS it (the near end) and the good Lord prefers in his mercy for me not to know yet. I remember that Saturday morning years ago, in bed, winter, with the dog, praying Oh Lord let me have more time with my husband and children!!! and immediately the words popped into my head Get UP they are downstairs!!! I knew it was the Lord for I certainly had NOT been thinking THAT! My pitiable thought was I was talking about summers to come!!! I am quite comfortable her in bed with the dog. I did get up. I can tend to isolate.

Cancer has made me think about death more, obviously. How different it is from being a regular healthy person who may die in a car crash with no chance to prepare. It certainly has made me more grateful. I still love that I can breathe. And lay my eyes upon my loved ones. With skin on, I mean. I know I will love them eternally.

My mom had systemic lupus and agonized over spending her late years being a burden to her children and incapacitated, or put away, perhaps. We called it the rash watch///'does it look worse? hmmmm...does it look better?...' Then she had a fender bender in a freak April snowstorm and died three weeks later from a bump on the head. What a wasted bunch of hours spent worrying.

I have a wonderful family,. I married the 'goodest' man I have ever met. he is just a deeply good man. And funny too, to me. (that is funny haha not funny weird) My daughters are beautiful and wonderful in such different ways. We've got a neat dog, too, who hops up on the bed when you don;t feel well or there is thunder. I have to admit, though, I think about the days when the kitchen floor will not be filthy after he comes in from the yard. I bet there are a few things people won't miss about me, too. And that is okay. I've been known to leave a mess now and then.

Get up: they are downstairs, or outside, or a phone call away, or about to meet you in the grocery store, or needing a get well card from you....