3:13 am. felt pretty good today, no bone pain, no restless legs. I got tired and rested, got some stuff done. Felt at peace. Went to bed and out come the legs rattling and the bone pain, now I'm up waiting for it to work....the drugs.

I prayed for God to heal me tonight. I have not done that yet. My prayer has been for grace to carry this cross, to let me offer it up and atone, for all the good intentions abandoned, the utter absence of thought of another until after it is too late, the hypocrisy...I'd really like some relief though, for my family, too. It does make me more aware of others who are suffering everywhere. It really irks me when folks say "You look great!". I know they mean well, but no one sees my almost continual pain. So maybe I don't see the pain inside others, the psychic pain, the loneliness.

I started this blog as a place to put down random thoughts, log some of the profound things that have happened since I got the diagnosis. I used to joke with my gynecologist "I can handle anything, as long as its not cancer...then it was as long as its not ovarian, then as long as its early, then as long as I make it to Christmas. Now its until my youngest gets to college....

I have realized how connected I have been to people in my church that I don't know but to see them weekly. Now I really smile at them, I love them to death, just for sharing life with me, coming to mass every week. My neighbors, too. And my family members (a sister who had been estranged for 20 years) talk often, and always say I love you. Friends too. I feel so blessed to have people in my life, the grocery guys, the lady in the convenience store, every where I go there seems to be people, real live images of God... This is what happens when one's bar is lowered. It's a good day when I can breathe. I remember not being able to breathe.

Today was a joy day...as if my heart was overflowing, dripping and leaving spills on the floor. I got a call from my youngest..she is at a youth conference, and she was so excited because she went to confession, and really felt adoration, with 2000 kids her age. This is a totally normal kids kid. She has been pretty mad at God lately, since my stage 4 cancer returned. So I take it she has felt some healing of her fear and sorrow. Thank you Lord.